The Fire Alarm

Beep.
Beep.
Beep.

One sudden day, the alarm starts to ring. Blaringly loud. Noticeably distracting. Echoing in my ears as if to say, “my only duty is to annoy you.”
Of course one’s first response is to try to fix it. Yes, I’m a fixer.
You do what you can, what you know to do in situations like this, what you’ve heard you should do from other people, what you’ve read about in those self-help articles on Google. & if that’s what they say you should do, it should surely work… right?

But when it doesn’t, one’s next natural response is to push it off until later.
”Sleep tonight, fix tomorrow.”
Because by then, it will surely be easier to fix.

Then one night of dragging yourself into bed, covering your ears and meditating the sound away, slowly becomes a week. A month. A year.
Beep.
Beep.
Beep.

What once was blaringly loud, noticeably distracting, & echoing in my ears, now has become but a quiet hum. Something that is expected periodically. A normal part of a normal day. It has become a part of me, my day, my life. Ironically peaceful. Comfortable because it is familiar. No longer a nuisance, but a token of persistence.

And ever so easily, as if someone had hypnotized me, I am deaf to the urgency to need to fix anything.
왜냐하면…
나만 들리는거 일수도있으니까.
나만 듣고있으면 돼니까.


The jaded life is a repetitive life of accepting something as normal, when it was never our Dad’s desire for us.
Having the courage to lean into our heart’s instinctive whispers, to stay hopeful in times of chaos, & to trust in the ability He has to fix it when I can’t, is a life of true freedom. My only hope is that I have not given up for too long. That there is still hope in the impossible. That someday, I will no longer feel peace in the chaos, but that I will feel peace in the quiet, where the alarm does not beep all night long.