People often look at me and tell me how confident I seem.

I am driven, ambitious.

An entrepreneur, sure of what I want & reaping what I’ve worked my whole life for.

A go-getter, patient with my process but never taking no for an answer.

I am an overcomer. Never sitting in the lows too long, but always standing back up in order to tread on forward.

And because this is how I’ve presented myself, how people have seen me all along, I thought that this was the core of who I am.

Strangely enough, I recently took a real close look at my life and all of the areas that I hold dear, and realized…

I feel fragile.

All to say, this feeling of fragility is not one of weakness, but one that compels me to have complete & utter dependence on Him. Puts life into perspective when you know that you really can’t do much without God in the picture. And with this, comes the realization that this life of obedience comes with a price - one of many sacrifices and a daily choice to be a daughter that yields. But no other life looks better, more appealing than this. I want to protect my love for Him at all costs, to be a child again in this way. It is a delicate, but beautiful journey that is so worth fighting for.

There is so much peace in knowing that the things He asks us to wait for are probably things that are actually worth waiting for.

And then there are things I have waited for for many years, that I am barely just beginning to see and experience the fruits of now.

The way that He works in all His majesty & sovereignty is one that I’ve begun to seek out with innocent curiosity & intense fascination - and it is for this reason that I am so in love with this process called life. That I get to be a child and play in this playground, with a good Dad who watches over me and holds my hand. Who doesn’t rush me, but allows me to fall and get lost, and then get up and go find Him again. And that every time I find Him again, it is one step closer to learning how to do life in true partnership with the One who tells me every day, “Honey, there’s no way you can possibly get this wrong when I’m here doing it with you.”

Oh, how loving He is.

Yet God, whose Presence is one that wants to occupy our hearts fully, kindly asks of us: “Will you invite me into your room? Into every little corner, every little space, every little nook & cranny? It is where I want to dwell. In all of it.”

And suddenly comes the revelation that I have been occupying so little of such a big space.
That I have left those seemingly unimportant areas empty for much too long.
And as we sweep up the dust, open our windows & let the sun shine into the darkest parts of the room,
We see that it looks entirely different than what we have defined it to be.

He is inviting us into a season of noticing the extra space in our hearts we thought we didn’t have,
And our capacity begins to grow in those areas
As we are no longer stuck in a tight space with little wiggle room,
But free to roam with endless room to explore.
And though, what those unoccupied areas represent looks different for each & every one of us,
It is His goodness that invites us into a posture of asking Him to flood in
And experience for ourselves how He transforms the very place that He dwells
So that day by day, it becomes one step closer to the beautiful altar He dreams of residing in.

Then a good Dad extends both hands, fists closed tightly
And with a gentle whisper, asks us “Which one do you want?”
With a smile on his face, as he knows that whichever option we choose, he will honor
Because he is a good Dad, one who only has good things in mind
So I choose one that my heart leans towards
Knowing that if I have the same choice in a few years, my decision will probably be different
I am human, after all.
He opens up his fist to offer me a Vanilla flavored candy
Then he quietly tucks the other fist away, without disclosing what was in it
My eyes wandering along with curiosity
And in that moment, his eyes tell me “Just trust me”
Because whatever I chose, he was going to take and make something beautiful with it
And even though
I don’t know how many years it will take until he shows me what was in his other fist
I pour my heart and soul into my Vanilla flavored candy
In partnership with him who offered it to me

And it is with bittersweet acknowledgement that I admit, these things seem idealistic, almost childlike to desire.

”I remember when I wanted those things, what good times they were.” As if they are no longer a possibility.

Yet it is with bold confidence that I declare, that these things are realities He has spoken over us since time began, and are already brewing to manifest. That this is what true communion looks like in the Garden of Eden of our current lives, regardless of our life circumstances. That there are no excuses for a lack of experiencing Him who is living, moving, & breathing, because He has proven time & time again that He is the one who meets us where we are at, not the other way around.

It has been around a year since I’ve invited God back into my regular day.

It has been a choice to posture my heart to receive more of Him, knowing I didn’t have much to give Him in return.

It has been a beautiful process watching Him mend those gaps I felt in my relationship with Him, and Him replacing those areas of emptiness with more of Himself.

It has been a victory to come to a place where I can finally say I am in a place of uncontrollable overflow - where I can be present with people, where I have the capacity to ask Him “What is in Your heart today, Jesus?” with the willingness to give up whatever was on my agenda for the day if He calls me to answer to His.

And to see “antisocial and too busy for everybody Eileen” transition into “talking with Eileen has been lasting hours because of the life that is being spoken over each other” has been an incredibly unbelievable miracle. Oh, what a fruitful title.

And that is the part that excites me the most
Is to look at eternity as a gift
To get to know Him, to get to know myself, and to praise Him in all circumstances regardless of what they are
And to slowly become His mirror image
One freaking beautiful day at a time.

Today, I am in awe at how he draws my life with every step in mind
And I will never trade anything in the world
For the growth that I’ve received
The growth that I, in my younger years, had came to Him in earnest prayer asking permission for
And now I know,
That it was His way of honoring me, His little girl,
Until the day came that I dig deep to find that my deepest desire was for Him all along
So that I can honor Him with all I have
Life experiences and all.

An anchor deep down in the waters of the soul,
You have kept your groundedness with no wavering compromise
Rebuilding and restoring with ease
Even when times get tough
Unwilling to let the seasons of life dictate the lens through which you view life
Worshipping Him with childlike intimacy
Desiring the Lord in a way that is worth reading about over & over again
Because it is this that is the most vulnerable, underlying, beautiful part of you
The side of you that not many will get to know
But a few, running alongside you to a finish line
Uncovering layer after layer with every step that you take
Bringing to life the many different parts of you - like a Joseph with a Technicolor Dreamcoat

A beautiful age in which I feel the most utterly myself. Clear in the things I want, proud of the things I’ve built, excited for the new things to come.

Intrigued by the countless revelations & growth life offers.

And inevitably, experiencing stepping stones, hurdles, & unexpected twists.

Yet weirdly & calmly peaceful…

As every day is built on such a solid foundation of trusting in a good, good Dad.

One who remembers old promises He’s made with me, & brings it up to the surface when I have nearly forgotten the underlying desires of my own heart.

And it is His grace that my soul is made aware of this new season I am leaning into.

I’ve built a beautiful castle.

One with grand staircases & endless rooms. One with magnificent chandeliers & stone walkways. Jewels at every glance.

One that shouts “hard work” in its very existence. One that everyone desires from the outside.

It is a beautiful castle, that took many beautiful years to make.

And every step of that process, guided by a good, good Father who knows all the divine guidelines that work.

Patient with me as I falter, or misinterpret directions.

Championing me as I succeed, or move on to the next step.

I guess He knew so very well that it was more about the process than the product, even when I didn’t.

But what the soul truly longs for…
A hand that eases the uneasiness through the long journey ahead.
An ear that gracefully interprets a lacing of scattered words and allows it to settle in the heart.
Lips that effortlessly mirror the movement of the Spirit - a consistent vessel and messenger for the things of life that get overlooked.
Crucial in its existence.
One of its kind, yet yoked to another.
A golden miracle of an answer to a mystery that has only been revealed to the one who seeks true treasure.
And one day at a time, my soul presses in. One step deeper.